New zine – queer relationships

I just spent the whole weekend and two excellent events on relationships: Queer polyday in Leicester, and the Polyamory, Consensual Non-Monogamy and Relationship Anarchy day in Manchester.

For my bits of the days I put together a zine bringing together some of my thoughts on relationships from the last decade or so, and asking what I hope are a useful set of questions about our relationships – whether or not we see ourselves, or our relationships, as queer.

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The zine takes as a starting point the word queer, and the different possible meanings of that term. Then it applies these different meanings to relationships to ask the question ‘what does a queer relationship look like?’ Particular it explores the cultural acceptability of different kinds of relationships, different relationship labels, the idea of relationships being on multiple dimensions, and what it’s like to shift from the question of what relationships we have, to how we do them.

You can download the zine here. It prints out best in booklet form, but fine to read it as a pdf on an e-reader or computer also.

Polyamory book reviews: Useful ideas for all relationships

(Also published over on Polyamory in the News)

I was excited to be asked by the excellent people at Thorntree Press to review two new books about polyamory: Franklin Veaux’s memoir – The Game Changer – and Elisabeth Sheff’s edited collection of poly lives – Stories from the Polycule. These books are particularly interesting given that the authors – Franklin and Elisabeth – have previously been responsible for two of the most important books on polyamory in recent years: One is probably the best self-help style book on polyamory currently available, and the other is the most in-depth academic study of polyamorous families to date. The former is More Than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert – the same title as Franklin’s successful blog. The latter is The Polyamorist Next Door by Elisabeth Sheff who writes the Psychology Today column of the same name.

So I was thrilled to have the opportunity to read the latest outputs by these two authors. On reading them I found that they were just as interesting as the books that preceded them. To summarise briefly, The Game Changer is an in-depth exploration of one person’s experience of shifting from a fairly hierarchical to a more egalitarian version of polyamory. Stories from the Polycule is an accessible collection of all kinds of experiences of open non-monogamy.

Together these books provide both a rich description of one person’s lived experience of polyamory, as well as a sense of the diversity of experiences that are possible within open non-monogamy. This is important because many popular accounts of polyamory tend to focus on rather similar narratives. As with many marginalised groups, poly people generally tell a public story which challenges common prejudices against them. So, for example, we often hear poly stories that contradict the stereotypes that polyamory is all about sex (by focusing on love), that it’s doomed to failure (by focusing on long term relationships), and that it’s weird (by focusing on the kinds of poly that are closest to monogamy).

This is very understandable in a world where poly people are still stigmatised and afforded few legal rights. However it means that the accounts we hear can be rather shallow, sterile, and samey. It was very refreshing – therefore – to read Franklin’s story of both the pains and pleasures of polyamory and alternatives to more conventional forms of poly; and to read about the ups and downs of poly, the sexual side of relationships, and the multiplicity of possible constellations, in Elisabeth’s collection.

These books offer exciting alternatives to the ‘one true way’ versions of polyamory that can be found in some poly communities, and the search for a universal explanation for why people are poly that are often found in academic work on the subject.

I’ll now go on to say a bit more about each book in turn, with a particular focus on why I think they offer something to our understanding of all relationships, not just polyamorous ones.

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Non-monogamous relationships

Since Rewriting the Rules was published I sometimes get asked to do email interviews with journalists on various topics. Some of these get published in an edited form and some never see the light of day, so I thought I’d post some of the original interviews here.

Here’s one on non-monogamous relationships.

I understand that there has been a couple of recent books ( yours and Catherine Hakim´s ) discussing the attitudes about infidelity  in the UK? Do you think that is just a coincidence or is it a sign of the times?

It definitely feels like a current topic with many books and movies raising questions about the challenges of being in long term relationships and about how we deal with infidelity when it occurs.

Catherine Hakim’s book looks at the recent trend of dating websites for people who are looking for lovers outside their marriage. My book explores all of the many ways in which people at the moment are rewriting the rules of their relationships.

I think that the ‘rules’ about infidelity are being questioned right now for a combination of reasons. First, as people live longer what is meant by a ‘long term’ relationship becomes potentially much longer than it was in previously. Secondly, people are now looking for a lot more from a partner or spouse than they might have done in the past. It is common for people to expect such relationships to remain romantic and sexual throughout as well as providing a close friendship, a sense of belonging and security, and personal validation. This can be a great deal of pressure to put on one person, and that is a big part of the reason why people often end up looking elsewhere and having infidelities.

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New presentation

I’ve been enjoying experimenting with prezi to create presentations online. I like how you can structure it to help tell the story. Here is a prezi about the rules of relationships, particularly relating to monogamy and nonmonogamy – follow this link.

Monogamies/Non-monogamies

This morning I have been writing a response piece for Sexual and Relationship Therapy about monogamy, so I thought I’d blog about it too. The original article and my response will hopefully appear in the August edition of that journal.

Basically the author of the original paper is arguing that sex and relationship therapists should be actively addressing monogamy with their clients because lots of sexual and relationship problems are rooted in monogamy. Thinking about it she has a good point. Obviously relationship conflicts and break-ups about infidelity are about monogamy. But from my own experience working with clients, I think that many other relationship conflicts and tensions are related to this broad issue as well. People often find themselves in different places in their relationships, over how free versus how together they want to be: how much they want to share and how much they want to be private and independent. Often one person is feeling more constrained and striving for more independence whilst another is feeling more insecure and striving for more of a sense of safety. And this frequently plays out around relationships with other people (is it okay to want more friends outside the relationship? Or to be a bit flirty with a colleague?)

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